It’s been a while since I last posted on my blog and in the name of Blogtober, I am back. Today I’m just going to explain some things that have been going on in my life and have a bit of a mental health chat.
Coming home from Thailand and going back to reality was a massive shock. It also made me realise that I hated my reality. I hate the whole routine of my normal life at home. I was miserable walking to work every day after the novelty of the first week had worn off. I started to make silly little mistakes at work, because of the anxiety taking over my thoughts and then I got stressed about those mistakes. I dreaded going there and I was back in the “I hate my life” mentality that had lead to me being signed off in June.
I kept telling myself that I only had to push through until May so I could finish my degree and go traveling. Then I told myself I could hand in my notice earlier so I had some time in May to finish my dissertation. Then, I started counting down to March and decided to hand my notice in then so I had a whole month to prepare for traveling the world. I had a countdown of the days running in my head at all times and I talked in depth to my counseling about the anxiety that my day job was causing me.
I went back to university and spend the whole day before my evening class buying travel books from Waterstones and getting brochures from STA travel. I planned my dissertation in the evening class and I was feeling confident. Going back to work the day after was torture. I had a taste of freedom and a relatively stress-free day but dragging myself back to a place that made me feel so down was difficult.
I was able to see through the rest of the week, leaving on Friday after my 11 hour shift feeling exhausted and determined not to let this ruin my weekend plans. On the bright side, I ended up going on a spontaneous night out with my friends and having a lot of fun. Until I remembered, after my hungover McDonalds on Sunday, that I had to go back to work on Monday.
I lasted 5 minutes on Monday morning before I broke down in tears. Somewhere between the constant worry of making mistakes, anxieties of fitting university in without the same time off I had before and the feeling of not belonging, I subconsciously decided I had enough. I didn’t walk into work that day expecting to quit. I even talked to my boss about having a day off in January that morning before I went into my classroom.
Within the hour, I was crying to my boss about how I hated the job and I quit. People have told me how brave it is for me to decide to quit purely because I wasn’t happy, but I didn’t even consider that. I was putting myself and my emotions first to try and avoid a mental breakdown further down the line. It was purely a decision I made out of survival. I didn’t want to be unhappy for months to the point of exhaustion. I didn’t want to be constantly counting down to leaving and unable to cope with the simplest of tasks at work without the anxiety.
I spent all of last week trying to recover. My mental health was at a real low and all of the jobs I applied for I was rejected because my only experience is in education. I started to wonder whether it was a mistake. I’m still not entirely sure about that one. Having to tell some members of my family at a wedding on Saturday made it feel even more real, but having to justify my decisions to them seemed to help justify it to myself.
Now, I’m just putting my focus on my future travels. I’ve been doing some thorough planning for the big trip in June, as well as a week in Paris I have planned for December. I spoke to a temp agency today and I’m just going to do some admin work to make money for now. I’m hoping a change of scenery will be good for me and I can have a break from the stress that has been taking over my life. My travel plans are really starting to take shape now and I’m just focussing on that now to make sure I’m staying positive.
Anyone else doing Blogtober? Comment down below so I can check out your posts too!