I’m sorry to deceive you but this post probably isn’t going to help you get over a breakup. Just like the hundreds of posts I’ve read this week haven’t necessarily helped me. It’s a learning process. I feel like I’m 100 years ahead of the girl in this photo, crying with my friends at a Trdelnik shop and then posing for this photo to send to my friends at home to say “I’m okay I have cake now”. So yeah, step 1 is just eating cake and crying.
My mind will often look into the past, sometimes subconsciously. When I walk around town, I see her everywhere I go. My first thought when I see somewhere is “remember when you went here with her”. It’s hard. It’s so hard. I gave myself a pat on the back for walking down one particular street without crying yesterday. It’s going to be a long process. Putting on a brave face isn’t going to help you deal with your issues and there isn’t going to be one definitive answer that is going to erase this situation from my life. I’ve got to move forward and not backward.
I’ve been blaming myself for everything I’ve done wrong and my friends have been getting angry at me for it. I still wish I had done certain things differently, but I’m a strong believer in the fact that everything happens for a reason and that this is for the best. This is the first morning I’ve gotten up and functioned without crying on someone. But it doesn’t feel like a fake brave face today, I actually feel okay. I’m starting to move forward. When I think about the past, I do think a lot of negative thoughts that range from self-hate to being bitter towards her, but I know that I can’t change any of that. It’s over and I accept that now. The naive hope that we can figure something out and get back together is slowly fading.
I feel like I’m supposed to be angry. I still can’t quite bring myself to be angry at her, because she’s right. When the relationship started, I was the happiest I’d ever been with someone in a relationship and I typically get attached super fast, which I fought for a while until I realised she liked me as well. The sad thing is that I knew it was doomed at the start because I had made so many plans to travel alone and I was going home soon. It would have to be long distance. I pushed my flight back for her and stayed and I don’t regret spending that time with her. Even when we were breaking up, we agreed that when it was good, it was really good. But when it went wrong, it affected us both really badly.
I knew in my gut that I had stronger feelings for her than she did for me, but hearing her say it really hurt. Sometimes I wonder if I should have tried to fight her decision and tried to work it out, but I could see that wouldn’t work. That day that I saw her after traveling for so long, I was excited to see her even though I knew the talk wouldn’t be pleasant. As soon as I saw the look on her face, I knew where this was going. The daydreams of our great reunion and how happy she would be to see me were completely shattered.
All I’ve done to attempt to deal with this breakup is cry everywhere. I was still in the middle of my travels when I saw her so I had to continue on. I’ve cried at a bunch of tourist attractions across Europe now, but I wouldn’t say it’s even ruined my trips. I was on a Contiki trip where everyone knew I was going through some shit and I was supported by these relative strangers through all of it. My emotional support crew who gave me sunglasses to wear in the group photo, because I looked a mess when I’d been dumped less than half an hour ago. The trips to go get cake when I was sad, the suggestions of songs to add to the breakup playlist, the long hugs at breakfast in the morning and the constant checking in on how I was doing were honestly so helpful.
They helped convince me that this was for the best when I was still trying to convince myself. I was told by a friend that if someone asks me if I’m okay, I don’t have to give a yes/no answer, I just need to say “I will be”. I’ve held onto that since then and I will continue to. It’s helped me maintain positivity and not wallow too much in self-pity. Although, that is also allowed. I’m processing my feelings in whatever ways I know and yes that’s mostly crying, but that is also sort of helpful. Holding in my emotions isn’t going to help.
The internet has said that you have to process your emotions before you move on, but how do I know when my emotions are processed? Is it when I am able to do something without crying? Is it when I stop having dreams about her every night? I have carried on with my life, I haven’t sat in crying all day. Although when I went out with my friends, I did cry in the club in Vienna (but I mean, why would the DJ play Happier by Bastille and attack me like that?).
I’ve done a lot of things in this breakup that you’re adviced not to or probably should be adviced not to do. Covering your emotions with alcohol? Yep. Taking your friends advice to mute her on Facebook, but still regularly checking to see if she posted anything? Oops. Drunkenly trying to arrange rebound hookups with guys I’ve been with before? Yep. Continuing to talk to those guys sober to replace the attention that I’m missing? Yeah, that’s not great.
As a Cancer Sun/Libra Moon, I’m an emotional messy person, but I don’t like to show serious emotions and will constantly be cracking jokes while I’m crying. When we walked around Prague and I was showing the girls around as their tour guide, I jokingly pointed out the spot where I got dumped and laughed about it. I was hurting, but the sarcastic and non-serious approach to feelings is so natural for me. It wasn’t until I was called out for it on an Instagram post about how the Moon signs deal with emotions that I have fully embraced it and can now recognise it when it happens. I literally bought this shirt that says “emotional girl” on the day that we broke up and I love it.
This post might not help you get through a breakup, but it’s more of a therapeutic thing for myself to process this. I miss her and it’s really weird not to talk to her. She did say she’d always be there for me as a friend, but I’m not sure if I’m ready for that or if it will be healthy for me. It’s going to take time to heal and I don’t know what mental space I’ll be in a week from now or a month from now. I suffer from depression and anxiety anyway, so I’m trying to deal with issues from all angles. Honestly, any input that any of my friends have on this is always super helpful. I’m working it out on my own, but I’m surrounded by amazing, supportive and intelligent individuals who are always backing me up when I need it. Basically, I’m accepting advice, inspirational speeches and virtual hugs from everyone and anyone. Any tips of ways to deal with breakups or recipes for comfort food are also welcome.